I'm going through a period of frantic activity. Like everything about me, I organize life in this extreme way: a long period of complete hermit-like passivity where I hate the world and collapse in exhaustion of living in it, followed by self disgust and boredom, followed by frantic initiative and activity.
I think it's the passivity that unleashes self disgust. It's a most heineous crime like a) not voting in a democracy, b) staying in your hotel while on holiday and only eating English breakfasts c) being a starving lunatic at a buffet, staring at the food.
It makes all my relationships that of a parasite seeking a host.
I blame a lifetime of reading Charlotte Bronte, imagining Jane Eyre-esque rescues from the sordid reality. When you lose yourself early to a fantasy, it's hard to find yourself again.
But life is not Jane Eyre. It's more like a cruel audition in front of Simon Cowell, with time as the stage, and all the world blinking at you like spot lights.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, I'm a reformed parasite. I've tossed Bronte back into the 19th Century and taken control of my life.
I'm asking everyone and anyone for everything I've ever wanted. In a complete swing from one extreme to the other, I'm going to see if this works, if this causes unimaginable results. From what I know of the world, it probably will.
In a way, I wonder why I waited so long. All it takes is a phone call, a text, an email, a conversation, a request. It takes moving my fingers over a keyboard and opening my mouth, it's not like I'm staging a hunger strike and dodging bullets from some unnamed force that's holding my family as ransom.
There's really no barrier at all.
I wonder why we all wait so long.
I reckon this asking people for stuff experiment is even more explosive than the 'say yes' experiment. I shall keep a record.
Out and about
11 hours ago
